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Friday, 18 March 2011

The Season of Love (Part 3)

So one of my favorite jokes of all time goes (something) like this: A lady sent a request to a dating agency asking for a man, but with 3 important preconditions: (a), he cannot ever beat her, (b), he cannot ever run away from her, and (c), he must be fantastic in bed. After a surprisingly long amount of weeks had passed without response from the agency, she had given up on finding 'love' and had gone back to her normal boring life.

Then, one day while doing the dishes, her doorbell rang. At the door she found a strange man without arms and legs sitting in a wheelchair on her porch.
"What do you want?" she asked the man in obvious exasperation.
"The agency sent me in response to your ad." he responded rather complacently.
"It can't be," she retorted "you are nothing close to what I asked for!"
"Indeed I am," came the reply, "I have no arms; I cannot ever beat you, I have no legs; I cannot ever run away from you."
"Yeah?" she asked, barely warming up in the slightest "And are you fantastic in bed?"
He gave her an incredulous look. "How, my dear lady, do you think I RANG THE DOORBELL?!!"

That man, for the brief amount of adolescence I had remaining, joined the ranks of Superman, Michael Jackson and Danny Zuko from 'Grease' as one of my childhood heroes!

Now, I am fully aware that a man would REALLY have to have lost the use of both arms AND both legs to be endowed with male parts of such magnificently monstrous proportions and dexterity, but the joke left me with an impression which I carry, though with much less conviction, till this day:
Give it to her good, and she's yours for life! You can be broke, ugly, paraplegic, hunch-backed, illiterate, stupid... even brain dead. Drop it like its hot, and you ain't never gon' be dropped.

And I must say, I travelled far and wide in order to learn the supreme art of pleasuring a woman. I, of course, had some natural endowments like size and stamina, but still I went all out in the pursuit of knowledge. So I nurtured some additional gifts like seduction, skill, shifting style and spontaneity. And well, what can I say? I have (most of my life) been a very good student.

So, fully armed like a mandingo warrior, I then jumped into this war of nerves called the 'search for Love'. And, if you've read my previous posts, you'll know I have tried quite a few unconventional (and entirely unsuccessful) routes in pursuit of this particularly elusive golden fleece.

Now I know what girls like: My elder brother.
I know what girls want: Money (and my elder brother).
I know, however, that there is not enough money nor my elder brother to go around (although, I must admit, big bro IS doing everything in his power to ensure he meets up with the escalating international demand. LOL. :P )
But for the unfortunate ladies who will never have the pleasure of 'getting' my brother, someone will have to bridge the gap, wouldn't they?
Indeed, someone should!

So, I made it my mission, to give one lucky girl (at a time, at least) what a girl really needs: some good, good lovin'!

It is always good to know your flaws and disguise them, and to know your strenghts and capitalise on them. And I knew that, even though I'd be doing any girl I date a HUGE favor (maybe that should be in plural... just that it won't have the same nuance, though) they would not be able to tell so, from just looking at me.
You see, for those who don't know me, its not that I'm ugly (although some really, REALLY mean people call me that just to hurt my feelings), its just that I'm... er, well, different from the media portrayed 'ideal man'.

So I knew I would have my work cut out for me in order to convince any lady that I got what she needs. And I took it in stride. The truth (and accepting it) had, in actuality, set me free:

So what, if she didn't want to give me her number?
So what, if she doesn't pick my calls?
So what, if she doesn't want to go out with me?
So what, if she doesn't want to come back home with me?
So what, if she doesn't "want to do this"?
So what, if she says 'stop it, I don't like it, I'm serious!'?
So what?

It didn't matter to me, because every single time, with every single person, after I've unleashed and deployed my secret automated weaponry for mass seduction, I can see the surprise, the bewilderment, and the gratitude for a job well done. Usually while she's asleep. (They typically can't stay awake for too long after.) *sigh*

And, with girls that I really liked, I really, really hoped that 'this was it'. True Love. I have given her a glimpse of what she will receive for the rest of her life if we stayed together. And from the way she thoroughly enjoyed it, with the knowledge that, should she say the word, a lot more can, er, 'come' from where the last couple came from, she wouldn't want to lose this, would she?


Now, I dunno what it is with these nigerian girls, they just feel that because a guy did all the freakiest things to you in bed, he must not really love you. And, to me, that is just plain crazy talk.
"Girl, did you not see what I just did?! I know it was an out of body experience for you and all, but you WERE there, weren't you?? Do you think I would go out of my way to make sure you get more than enough of this lovin' if I did not love you?!?!"

But, my very doing typically turns out to be my very undoing.
For instance, last year, I dated a lady who, within 1 month of meeting her, had me privately toying with the idea of actually getting married to her... (I mean, she was everything I wanted in a woman, what was I waiting for?) Then, whoosh! She disappeared. Without warning. Just like that.

This, she later told me, was because, in her words, "you and I know you were never gonna marry me, you were just having fun with me!" Wow. She hadn't the slightest idea what I had planned for her.
Or do I talk about the girl before her who had told me 'the only good thing about our relationship is the sex!' Safe to say, she's disappeared too.

I guess what they say about too much of a good thing IS true.
But forgive me if I go overboard in anything that I can do well. I am just overcompensating for my attractiveness (more accurately, my lack thereof) and having to be judged by it.

So, looking back, in this my exhausting search for Love, the only weapon I have not yet tried is lying (but one would have to be a good actor, or at least, a good LOOKING actor to succeed with it. Guess I'll pass). That, and Money.

"Money?" you might ask.
"Money is the root of all evil..." you might think.
"Money can't buy you love!" you might say.

Valid points, but wrong perspective if you ask me. Because the way I see it, love can't be 'bought' in the first place, not with money, not with life, not with anything.
But the bible does say that 'money answers all things', so my plan is simple: make enough money, then ask my money a very singular question: "I've been looking for Love all my life, WHERE IS MY TRUE LOVE?"
I'll be darned if money doesn't answer!

So, the problem is, how do I make that kind of omniscient, eloquent money?
I have a couple ideas.
But the only legal one I can think up right now is through my music. Medicine, for all its respect, is *bleep*!
So it's my music all the way for 2011!

{Speaking of which, I got a new single out available for FREE download, and the video will debut online on 30-03-11
To download it to your phone visit

To download it to your PC visit

We are taking over this year. Just help me 'like', 'share' or tweet about it. So LesGoooooo!}

Forget fronting, I really need love. Therefore, it seems to me...
I really need to make that kind of money, man!

So Let's Do This!

It's your boy,

Fly Fellow, y'all!

1 comment:

  1. hahahahah and yet again i am wowed...
    ''You see, for those who don't know me, its not that I'm ugly (although some really, REALLY mean people call me that just to hurt my feelings), its just that I'm... er, well, different from the media portrayed 'ideal man'.''

    hahaha this was my favorite phrase.... mtscheew... wished i looked and packed chiz like non too....

    at least you got skiilz and are well packaged you get hope...wetin me i get??? lmao