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Friday, 25 February 2011

The Season of Love (Part 2)

Love is beautiful. That all powerful emotion that can move one, drive one out of one's mind: delirious, yet enjoying it; hurting, yet unwavering; arousing in one the most noble, the most pure, and the most naïve intentions possible; albeit a side effect of the most awesome feelings of exhilaration ever known to man. This, singularly, is said to be what separates us from other mammals. So much so, that even the coldest human heart has been found to fall prey to this, the overwhelmingly warmest of emotions...

And it is, it seems to me, nearly the most popular word in the world. Used just as frequently as it is misused; maybe used as frequently as the pronouns "I" and "you" (but they probably should not be competing because, technically, they are already the most popular vowels), and a lot of times it finds itself placed irretrievably and uncomfortably between them.

Love, we are taught from infancy, is ALL we need. Love will make EVERYTHING all right. In (nearly) every song, in (nearly) every movie, in (nearly) every sermon. Love! Even atheists, dishevelled and disappointed by the mysterious ways of the Almighty, jaded into disbelief in the impalpable Creator; still find space in their logical, calculating lives for this particular invisible, unexplainable force. It has become so omnipresent and omnipotent in our lives these days that it has been duly summarised that 'God is Love'. Although I wouldn't completely agree with the saying, I can understand why it is said: Everyone from prophets to prostitutes are all trying to attract people to come get some "love". With the way it is almost universally needed, nay worshipped, by any measure, it really can be concluded that "Love IS god".

That said, what do I really, REALLY know of Love?
Not much, it turns out. Each age, each phase of my life brings about a revolutionary revision of my thoughts and expectations towards it. And my (mis)conceptions are still metamorphosizing, if there is such a word.

I mean, as a nerdy little kid, after hearing countless bedtime tales of the underdog/servant ending up with the prince/princess, I started to believe that all I needed to do was sweep floors, wash dishes, do menial labour and generally be kind to animals, insects and the like, and my fairy godmoth- sorry, I mean my fairy godfather would appear and whisk me off to live happily ever after with my princess in a masculine adaptation of the Cinderella story. (Our parents? Geniuses! "Do all the house chores, remember to smile while you are at it, and you will get to marry beautiful royalty." Yeah, right.) Five years and a whole lot of broken dishes later, with no princess charming (or fairy godfather, come to think of it) in sight, I knew I had to change my expectations.

By the time I was in high school, a nerdy little teenager, my attitudes had changed somewhat. All the high school movies I had watched, showing the nerd (wow, like me!) getting the high school princess just by being his brilliant, semi-antisocial self seemed tailor-made for my particular situation. So, I kinda activated my geek mode, became an artist AND a scientist, made sure my extra thick glasses were always handy, made sure I knew all there was to know about everything there was to know, and made sure I graduated top of my class. Well, six years, 9 distinctions, a lot of extra assignments and homework (yet no girlfriend) later, it was clear to me that high school movies would not work for you unless you actually DID look like Josh Hartnett or Leonardo DiCaprio and only wore glasses in order to tone down your excessively glowing attractiveness, not because you really need them to be able to see a book barely 6 inches away from your face! (Just saying.)

However, by the time I got into university, my life changed. I was still little (at least, to start with) and still nerdy. But dammit, I discovered a gift: I could rhyme! And when I grabbed the mike I made all the girls go crazy! Like gooey, cooing, melting "take me with you" crazy!
Man, what would YOU do if it was you? I jumped on every stage I could find! (Even if it was a 'passing stage', second 'stage' of labour, rebound stage of a broken relationship; ANY stage at all, I jumped on it.) And that kinda gave me a steady stream of female 'fans' to choose a life partner from.

Only problem was, it was not only the book of fairytales that I'd read as a child. I'd also read a Bible, and for some inexplicable reason, I had left it with the notion that premarital sex was a no-no. I was gonna save myself (in other words, remain a virgin) for marriage, or at the very least, for true love!
(Yeah. True love. What the hell is that?)

Well, as time passed and I had had a lot of girls in my life but none of them really feeling any strong sense of attachment to me, I knew I had to find out what was wrong. Because, obviously, something WAS wrong: I mean, I will have a girl really feeling my 'steez', but soon as she'd had sex with a sharper guy, she'd disappear from my life, never to return. So with no where else to turn, I turned back to my bible.

Now the Bible is arguably the most 'argued-over' book in history, so don't get ME wrong or decide to agree with me just because I'm a great blogger and you are just, well, you. It is a book you should read, but pray before AND after reading so that the good Lord will minister to you through its words.
(In my defence also, I did not pray before OR after reading the bible on this particular occasion.)

So I rushed to my bible after being hurt that the latest girl that seemed to 'love' me had moved on to be with someone who 'makes love' to her. And I searched the 10 commandments. And I saw no sign of the word 'fornication' there! I could have sworn it had been right beside 'adultery', but IT WASN'T! I rushed through the whole old testament and all I was seeing was the isrealites committing 'sexual immorality with idolators'. That was the explicitly mentioned sexual sin, not fornication! And it hit me like a car with bad brakes, "Perhaps the sin is not to do with having sex in itself, but having sex with people under a covenant or an oath: either to their spouses or to their idols!"
(Let me also say that I did not get past the Acts of the Apostles in the new testament before formulating this particular theorem.)

Reeling in horror at what I had just thought up, I slapped myself in the face. Hard!
"How COULD you have even THOUGHT like that?" I thought to myself, "It's unforgivable, I tell you, UNFORGIVABLE!!! Just think of ALL the hot, nubile young ladies you allowed to get away UNMOLESTED! It's TOTALLY unforgivable!"

So (having allowed a reasonable amount of time to pass in which to forgive myself), I finally thought to myself:
"Okay, in order to keep true love, you need to have sex, right?"
"But if you're gonna have sex you have to do it right, right?"
"You can't make love to a girl and have her telling you that she's moving to some other guy who 'treats' her right (in other words, does her better), right?"
"So your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to learn every move, every groove, every trick, every gimmick, every style; I mean, EVERYTHING in the book (and outside it) to make EVERY SINGLE sexual encounter with your girl a historic event in her life, right?"
"Okay, let's do this!!!"

(To be continued next week in the finale of "The Season of Love")

It's your boy,


Fly Fellow, y'all!


  1. Oh Shit... U're a fucking alien. Hate u for exploring the truth we know but hate to eplore.

  2. Hehehe, make sure to reference so we can cross-ref, Knowledge is Everything!!
    Nice writing matey... got a nig on some blogging steez...